2009 and more: A Retrospect

2009 for me, started out in a very dark, lonely, horrible place. Like most things in my life, it wasn't just one thing that took me there. Quite a lot of junk had piled higher and higher and higher (over years, I later discovered) until I couldn't dig my way out on my own. Thank God I realized that I could not help myself, so I sought the help of an outside source. She was impartial, she loves the Lord and was kind to me when I needed it and kicked my butt towards making changes in my thinking and actions when I was ready to follow through.
It's hard to understand how we (I) get to these places of pain and suffering. I really struggled with that for a long time because I have a great family and they raised me in a loving and caring environment. I was never abused, neglected, never went without shelter, clothes or food. How could a foundation of such stability and strength seemingly crumble?
I believe that decisions that I made 15-20 years ago started to hammer away at that foundation. I didn't know it then, but I was destroying myself from the inside out. Like so many people, I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I know now so that I would not make the same mistakes that I made. At the time, they did not seem to be mistakes, but rather, a part of growing up, a part of living and turning into an adult. But I was so wrong. Giving little pieces of me away wasn't how I saw it. I was on a journey to find love. I was known as a huge flirt. I didn't take things to the extreme because I was naive, but for some reason I thought that flirting would get me somewhere and someone. When I didn't live up to a guy's expectations, they'd dropped me. Fast. I know that I hung around the wrong kind of boys and put myself into situations that were extremely stupid. I am so lucky that nothing awful happened, because I really did set myself up for disaster.
The other thing that was difficult to over come was dealing with the emotional pain of being hurt time and time again in relationships. I think that has made it very hard for me to really trust people because now I expect to be hurt by everyone eventually. And I don't think that this is a problem for just me. I know a lot of friends who have been hurt by people who are supposed to love them and it has caused a lot of pain and trust issues for them as well.
Sometimes I think we envision our pain on a scale to weigh it against someone else's pain. "My pain couldn't possibly be the same as yours." As if our own personal suffering couldn't possibly match up to someone else's. When you stop, step back and think about it, how ridiculously pompous is that? How dare I say that no one else knows the kind of hurt I have felt?
This is all to say that I feel like I've learned a lot about myself this past year. While the things that would make me upset and sad still make me upset and sad, I feel like I have a better approach at dealing with those feelings instead of allowing myself to fall back into that darkness.
I still have things that I just don't really talk about with very many people...and I think that is okay. Some of my friends don't want to hear about all of the crap that goes on inside my head. (I don't want to hear all of the crap that goes on inside of my head.) And...since I kinda know what sets me off, I try to avoid those things as much as I can. (Some can't be avoided, so I put on my happy face and do all I can to enjoy them as much as possible.)
Looking back, 2009 has been a year that I wanted to end faster than it did in some places, but the good far outweighs the bad. I have built a lot of great friendships, done things that have surprised me, and I know that there are a lot of promising things on the horizon.

January: I made a call to say "I need help"
February: I found that live music helped to bring joy and friends into my life
March: and that writing helped me to dig out from the pile of crap and figure out what happened in the past that I never even realized.
April: Alyssa Elizabeth came into the world 5 weeks early but just in time for me to meet her.
May: 42 of my students were chosen to be published in a poetry anthology.
June: I had an 85% pass rate (or something like that) on my SOLs.
July: Helped to create the ultimate rainbow celebration for a good friend with other good friends
August: Wedding #1 and 2
September: Wedding #3
October: Wedding #4
November: Thankful that there were no more weddings, at least for a few months
December: A disciplinary phone call home to a parent turned into a call to help make a child's Christmas

2010 is sure to start off a lot better than 2009.
January: Go to Paris for a long weekend
February: ?
March: Go to London for a week
April: Celebrate Alyssa's 1st birthday
May: ?
June: ?
July: ?
August: ?
September: ?
October: ?
November: ?
December: ?

In closing, I wish you a very Happy New Year. And just as I am going to try to do, I hope that you are able to better yourself spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially in 2010.

Set Us Free

There are risks involved
step out from your comfort zone
get out into the unknown
and set yourself free

"just don't want to rock the boat"
"afraid of making a change"
"what if everything is wrong"
"I could never live that way"

how will you know if you don't make a move
stand up and step out and just say the words


You've changed my life
You've made me whole
Taken me places I never thought I'd go
Without You here
I would be alone
But You've set me free,
You've set me free.

You've molded me
and worked so hard
Forming my steps
and leading me on
to a place of love--
a place of peace.
Now I know of Your saving grace.

You've changed my life
You've made me whole
Taken me places I never thought I'd go
Without You here
I would be alone
But You've set me free,
You've set me free.

You haven't promised there wouldn't be pain
but with You I know that I there will always be
sunshine after the rain.
I don't understand
all the things of this world
But I know that in Heaven all diseases are cured.

I pray that you change more lives
Make more people whole
Take them to places the never thought they'd go
Without You here
They are all alone
Please set them free,
I pray you set them free.

i know

You are in control
(and i am not)
You are all i need
(but i have forgot)
You save the world
(and i cannot)
You love me for who i am
(and i have not)
You have a glorious plan
(or so i thought)

i sit and i think and
i can't comprehend
why i sit and i wait
all alone here again

and yet i know---
deep, deep down,
yes, i know that

Your timing is perfect
Your timing is right
Your timing is something
i'm trusting tonight.

You're in control
(and i'm not alone)
You're all i need
(in You i've found home)
You save the world
(through Your grace it is shown)
You love me for who i am
(though my sins are all known)
You have a glorious plan
(and in that i have grown)

and yes i know---
in my head and my heart, Lord
i know that

Your timing is perfect
Your timing is right
Your timing is something
i'm trusting tonight.

i need You

i forgot for just a little while
I can't believe it's true
But you are God and I am not
and my faith needs to be in You

When all the world is crashing in
and I'm the one to blame
I have to turn it all to You
For through Your blood all's been claimed

My sins are all my own
I'll never be enough
I fail and fail over and again
and yet I am still loved

Why is this so hard?
Why can't I understand?
Your grace is all I need.
YOU have the perfect plan.

I put my trust in You.
And I will need reminded
Not to panic, not to stress
And not to become blinded

I need Your truth like I need air
Your book I will turn to
The promises You have made to me
Will never be too few.

Countdown: FOOTBALL!

7th months
my heart has paused
(though Lord Stanley gave it some life)

221 days
since you've been here
and your last visit did bring me some strife

2:37
left in THE game
But Ben and Tone had another plan

88 yards
with the greatest of ease
and a sigh of relief from this huge fan

32 weeks
without my black and gold
but now I wait no more

September 10th
vs. the Titans of Tennessee
may we be on top with the score.

24/7
365
It's Steeler Football time, y'all!!!!

Written Especially For Me...

As I sit in front of the computer, I know that I am supposed to start writing something about how God has been stretching me and using others to help me to see His amazing grace, glory, love, and joy...but I am having a hard time putting all of that into words.
Have you ever had an experience that is so profound...so far beyond your own ability to describe in a way that you can do justice to what you have felt? Yeah...that's me right now.
I can't really say that it is just ONE thing that has just totally rocked my world into a new and unknown place, but rather a series of events that has really started to show me that I just have no idea what I'm in for in regards to my future. It's funny when you sit down and reflect on the path that God has led you to recognize all of the little "Y's" or "T's" or even dead ends in the road that you have been journeying on. I've always liked Robert Frost's poem, "The Road Less Traveled" and it has again popped into my head while writing this blog. It seems to me that a lot of the best things that have ever happened to me were when I took that overgrown, not-so-familiar path.
We all have choices. Choices to go left or right, up or down, east or west, to take a new job and leave behind all that is familiar or to stay and wait things out, to try out a new church or stay where we are not being spiritually fed because it is comfortable, go to a Bible study with strangers or stay at home because it's summer vacation...the list can go on and on and on. Each one of the above mentioned things, along with a list of many more, have brought me to where I am right now. Through a little bit of fear (okay...a lot), a lot of trust, some pushing from loved ones and obedience to go onto that road that hasn't been traveled before, God has been continually blessing me. I can see the things that are so incredibly awesome in my life as a result of following Him. And the things that are hard to deal with, stressful and causing anxiety and pain? Yeah...those are a result of not listening and trying to do things my way. (Frank Sinatra, I am not...at least I am really, really trying to learn that I can't do things MY way...)
A year or so ago, I was going through a study that was trying to break through my thick skull to tell me that the more I follow God and where HE wants me to go, the more I will hear from Him and will have a more fruitful harvest from being obedient. As you can see, it's taken me a while to really hear (two-fold, I guess) that message.
The study that I am currently doing has been the most incredible experience EVER. Each time that I sit down with my workbook and Bible, it is as if the author has written at the top of the page, "Dear Lindsay, I hope you are really ready to pay attention and learn from this lesson today. It was written especially for you." I AM NOT KIDDING. It's ridiculous how much this study seems to be written just for me. The coolest part, I think is that since it is so applicable to my life, then it has to be the same way for other women, right? I know that I have spent a lot of time over the past few years moaning and groaning that NO ONE else could possibly know what I was going through, experiencing, feeling, blah blah blah. BUT! It seems as if there are a lot of other women out there who know EXACTLY what I've been feeling or it wouldn't keep appearing on the pages of my workbook, right?
About a week ago, I was completing a lesson that was one that I desperately needed to hear at that very moment.
"In the Song of Songs, the lover comes, leaping across the mountains, and invites his beloved to go higher with him:
"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me." (Song of Songs 2:10)
But she is content. She has camped out "in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside." (2:14) At this point, she refuses to go higher with him, afraid of what it might involve.
So many women are like that. They are satisfied with where they are. They've gone so far with the Lord, and then they camp out in the hiding places....He longs to set us free...(I) want to live in such a way that I continually let Him take me to higher places."
I don't want to camp out in my hiding places. I want to be taken higher. Immediately after reading that lesson, I felt an incredible presence come over me. I excused myself from where I was and went to the most private place I could find and I got down on my knees, praying and crying out to God that I knew there was much that I was holding on to, trying to control and it was holding Him back from blessing me with His best. He knows that it is hard...but I promised to let go of all that I was grasping and asked for His help to do so. A few days later, this message appeared in my inbox from a dear and sweet friend.
My Princess…Wait on me
Wait on me, my Princess. My timing is always perfect. I know you’re anxious about many things, and I see your passion for all the plans I have put in your heart. I know that you long to fly, and I see your enthusiasm. However, just as a vine dresser nurtures the vine and waits patiently for the right moment to harvest the grapes, so too am I working tirelessly to prepare you to bear much fruit. Don’t run ahead of Me or try to fly before my plans are complete. Your strength will fail you, and your dreams will wither away. Trust me that My dreams for you are far greater than you can dream on your own. You will run farther and soar higher if you will patiently wait for the season of My blessing. Draw close to Me now, and I promise that this season of waiting will bring you the sweetest of rewards.
Love,
Your King and Lord of perfect timings
from "His Princess – Love Letters From Your King” by Sheri Rose Shepherd
I don't know about you, but that message was surely heaven sent, straight into my head and my heart, giving me the most perfect peace imaginable. God has been sending me messages and I'm so glad that I have been put onto a path that I can recognize them, appreciate them, learn from them, and put them in my pocket to take out and enjoy another day.

GET OUT

Get out
Get out
you're not welcome here
you've been kicked to the curb before

I don't
want you
comin' 'round no more
why do you think you can keep comin' back?

you make
me feel
like a piece of trash
full of anger & hate, pain & distress

but that's
not true
and I'll keep rebuking you 'till the day that I die
WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

alone
alone
you make me
feel all alone

you're lies
trick me
and I won't take anymore
just get the hell out of my head

for He guards
my mind
and resides in my heart
with Him I know I am safe

so take
yourself
and find somewhere else to cause pain
because you aren't allowed to come here anymore

Desperately Dumb

While I may not live on Wisteria Lane, I felt as if Bree and some of her other gal pals were sunning themselves at my development's pool yesterday. I am trying to get some even color without strap lines for my friend's wedding that I am in on August 1st and while I was reading/sleeping/sunning myself, I couldn't help but overhear Bree and her diva friend talking about their incredibly difficult lives.
Yes, to be bikini-clad after popping out at least 2 children each is treacherous. And to be lounging poolside at 3pm on a Tuesday...horrifying!!! They were discussing housework (I would place money that they have someone come in and clean for them) and their marriages. What struck me as the most bizarre statement from their perfectly puckered lips was that (gasp!) she and her husband WERE ACTUALLY FRIENDS and enjoyed DOING THINGS TOGETHER! They would go for walks, enjoyed going out to eat with one another and even admitted to having fun playing games with the whole family. EEK!
Now, I don't know about you, (and maybe I live in a delusional world in which I pray to, in fact, marry my best friend) but, ummmm....aren't you kinda sorta supposed to at least tolerate the person whom you marry? I mean, yeah, I'm sure that you aren't both going to love, love, love every single thing that the other does, but shouldn't there be at least some common ground? And, forgive me if I'm being bold, but even if you don't exactly like something that your significant other does, don't you, on occasion, go along for the ride just to be together and enjoy with them what they enjoy?
Now I know it would truly be a miracle from God for me to find a man who: 1) loves the Steelers as much as I do, 2) enjoys music 3) likes the outdoors 4) wants to serve in the church in some capacity 5) is stable emotionally, spiritually, and financially 6) is taller than I am 7) wants to have kids, someday 8) comes from a somewhat stable background 9) will allow me to spoil him with my cooking and 10) will cherish me and love me to the end of time. In all seriousness, there are only a few on that list that I won't budge on...I mean really, if he doesn't like the Steelers, I see no future. (JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!)
I guess it just kinda blows my mind when people marry for all the wrong reasons. I just that I can tend to have some small amounts of jealousy seeping out when I hear women talk about how their husbands don't ever do anything to help them...I'm going to guess that that man is, at the very least, working 40+ hours a week to provide for their family and allowing them to be poolside on a Tuesday at 3pm. Isn't that kinda helping? Yes, I know that I've heard my own mother beg my dad to help her out (Love you, Mom!) around the house and for the most part, he kinda does...at his own pace...which usually isn't the pace that she would prefer. I'm sure that when my time comes, I will learn about the intricate balance of wedded bliss, but until then it is sometimes hard to bite my tongue when people are complaining about their spouses.
I'm also pretty sure that this blog will come back and bite me in the butt in twenty or thirty years, but I just have to set the record straight: Ladies...there are women out there who would love to have someone to walk, talk and play games with...even if he might be grouchy after work, may not pick up his dirty clothes off of the floor and he never puts the toilet seat down.

my reality

You give
we take
You love
we break

broken from this world
living as a foolish girl

You save
i'm caught
You bled
i thought

thought of just myself
ignoring the book upon my shelf

You draw
we come
You call
we run

running to Your arms
finally i feel i can't be harmed

You give
i praise
You love
i raise

raise my hands to thank You, Lord
for all You've done and for Your word

Fireworks and Bandaids Part 2...

After I posted my last blog, I was thinking a lot about what else I should have said. That fairytale, made-for-Lifetime-movie (or Jerry Springer for those of you who know the whole story) was not meant to be for various reasons.
First and foremost, as I mentioned before, we are now completely different people. I know that if we would have gotten married like I had hoped, it would have ended in a divorce at some point which would have caused a lot of pain and hurt for a lot of people. There is no doubt in my mind about that.
More importantly though is the fact that there was never any mention of God in the plans of our future. We were both raised in different types of Christianity and while I went to church every Sunday with my family, I did not have a true relationship with Christ until after moving to Virginia. It was rare that he ever went to church, even on holidays because he could make double-overtime at his job.
As I spent time revisiting my past, it was easy for me to point out the stuff that wasn't great about our relationship. There were things that I wanted and needed from him that he could not fulfill because I don't think either of us really understood what it meant to truly be in love. In completing a study on the Song of Solomon last summer, I finally learned what true love looked like. The ultimate sacrifice of self to the person whom you are married is something that I know I want. I will not settle into a relationship with someone who I cannot feel that selflessness for and I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't do that for me either.
Beginning to date Michael was like the fairytale that every girl dreams of having. It was like someone was standing off to the side saying, "Que the fireworks..." Our story was one that I loved to tell to people because it was just that "perfect." It is because of that I think that Disney messes with little girls heads because no matter how many bad guys/evil queens/witches/dragons/whatever, there is always a knight in shining armor that comes and swoops the princess out of harms way, falls madly in love with her and the story ends, you got it, happily ever after. I know that there is a happy ending to be had, but the only prince involved is the Prince of Peace.


***I feel like I need to add a disclaimer that if for some reason, Michael would stumble upon this blog I do not in any way intend to make him look bad. While we were dating, I think we were both pretty happy and in a state of blissful ignorance. He was my first love and I wish him nothing but the best.

Fireworks and Bandaids

Before I went to bed in the first hours of the day of our country's independence, I realized that it was 13 years ago this evening that was a dream-come-true kind of night for an 18 year old. My best friend and I had been spending every waking minute together since we graduated from high school and I was starting to feel our friendship changing into something much more.
We were going to the drive-in movie theater in North Versailles so much that I think at one point we had seen ever single movie that was playing on their 6 screens. It was the 4th of July so we were planning on seeing a movie and watching fireworks. The movie playing that night was "The Rock," starring Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage and I can honestly say that I didn't see more than a few minutes of the movie. We were sitting in the back of my mom's Ford Escort hatchback and I can remember feeling my heart beat really, really fast because my feelings of friendship were really changing towards Michael. For some reason or another, we started playing truth or dare and it started out goofy, but then I think that he asked me what my biggest wish was. I told him that I couldn't tell him and or course that led to a "how can you not tell me, I'm your best friend..." kind of thing. Stupidly, I said that if I told him and it wasn't something that he wanted to hear, he had to promise that it wouldn't change our friendship. I finally told him that I was starting to feel that our friendship was changing and that I was falling in love with him. I couldn't see myself with anyone but him and I hoped that he would feel the same way too. It really was like a scene from a chick flick...I mean, come on. (What girl doesn't want to fall in love with her best friend?) His eyes lit up and told me that he hoped that that was what I was going to say because he was too afraid to say it. He dared me to kiss him, and then there were fireworks...both literally and figuratively.
Our relationship was like a PG-13 version of When Harry Met Sally. I couldn't believe that everything that was happening was really happening to me and I was really happy. Going away to college was really hard because it was going to put an end to our being together every day, but it was necessary in order for us to move forward with our lives.
We dated off and on all through college and did the whole "Ross and Rachel---we are on a break" thing, and ending our relationship was very difficult. Mostly because Michael and Lindsay were nearly as iconic as they were. From the first day of first grade, the marriage comments began. "Ha, ha...if you get married, you'd be Lindsay Lindsay." (Yep, that's right.) We didn't even talk until we got to high school because I was scarred from all of the teasing. But, it seemed to me that in order for the whole fairytale love story to come about, we were involved in all of the same after school clubs---marching band, drama, stage choir...things that involved spending a lot of time with the same people numerous nights in a row. It was like we were destined to be together...at least that's the way that it seemed at the time.
Obviously, our relationship did not go anywhere and for that I am very grateful. Our lifestyles are VERY, VERY, as in polar opposite, different 13 years after that night where I thought all of my dreams came true.
Today, I still believe in fairy tales. I still want to fall in love with my best friend. What I knew about love, romance, and relationships back then has completely changed. I have learned so much from the mistakes I've made and I know that I know that I know that I was NOT supposed to be Lindsay Lindsay. I've struggled for a long time, sometimes subconsciously I think, because that "perfect romantic tale" didn't work out. Like putting on a band aid to cover up the hurt and then taking it off to look and see how things are healing, revisiting those memories is sometimes painful. Other times (like today) the pain is there at first, but then you realize that you've learned from the hurt and you will never make the same decisions again.
I haven't revisited these memories for a long, long time. Probably because I wasn't ready to face them again until now. God is doing amazing things in my life and has been teaching me a lot through verious people, studies and experiences that I've been having that He is the ultimate Prince Charming. While I don't have an earthly "someone to watch over me," I have a heavenly bridegroom that loves me more than I can comprehend.

rising from the ashes

why are we not consumed by Your great love?
how can we continue to look the other way...
needing to run back, into Your loving arms every day
instead of staying there, forever and always?

Your patience, Your grace
Your mercy, Your love

i don't deserve it
but yet You give it freely
Your compassion never fails

strike from my mind all that is not of You
provide me with constant reminders of Your faithfulness
help me to rise above the ashes of my sins

Memories for a Lifetime...

Today, the 6th graders received their yearbooks and have been running around like mad getting everyone to sign their yearbook. It is such a huge deal and yet, in 20 years will they remember what it all means? I know that when I've looked back at my yearbooks, floods of memories come crashing into my head. Some great memories, some sad, some things that I don't wish to remember and even some things that I can't remember.
I can recall plotting to get the boy who I had a massive crush on to sign my yearbook. I can remember reserving entire pages for my best friends to rewrite our past year's history on a page to preserve forever. I can remember the feelings of my stomach dropping to my feet when all someone I really cared about wrote was, "Have a great summer..." (See the first sentence of this paragraph.)
What if, as adults we signed yearbooks? Wouldn't it be nice to have a place for your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. to sign---to write something to you that captures the "best memories" of the past year? If we did do this, what would you say?
"Dear ________, I'm so glad that we have gotten to know each other this year." "Hey ______, remember that one time when we went to the lake and I flipped the jet ski? Man, I thought you were going to kill me that day..." "Keep in touch." "Best wishes for next year."
Do we really mean the things like this that we say? And what if we were able to really, I mean, really tell people how much they have influenced our lives for the better? Do we need a yearbook signing party to tell people how they have helped push us, convict us, inspire us to be better people? I don't think so. So...why not get out some paper (YES....letter writing means more) and think of the top 3, 5, 10, whatever, people who have truly made a difference in your life over the past year and let them know it. You never know what that letter could mean. Maybe they'll look at it in 20 years and think, "Yes. That is a memory that I want to keep for a lifetime."

Or even better, that letter will make a difference as soon as they read it. Go and make someone's day...week...month...year...lifetime.

Not yet and something better...

Wedding season is upon me again...lots of friends have been taking the plunge into wedded bliss in the last few years and as I attend showers, rehearsals and the big day itself, I have had to stop and think about all of the pomp and circumstance that goes into make "the day" one to remember.

One conversation with a friend about the proper location for her reception had me saying, "In twenty years, do you really think your guests are going to remember if the outside of the facility was a little messy?" Another friend's aunt insisted that there had to be SOME biblical reference to having wedding cake, which my friend does not want at her reception. Yet someone else was asking for my opinion on the bows that go on the back of the chairs in the hall...

In my nearly 32 years on this earth, I have to say that my views on marriage and "the big day" have DRASTICALLY changed. 10-15 years ago, I probably would have told you that if I didn't have peach roses (my favorite flowers are now pink Gerber daisies), purple bridesmaids dresses (not so much into purple anymore), a certain song for the lighting of the unity candle (that has definitely changed) and a dozen other "MUST HAVES," my day would have been a complete wash out. Now...I can tell you that the perfect wedding day for me includes a ceremony where God is at the center. Period. Don't care about the cake serving set. (I don't even care if I have one...) The groomsmen all having matching shoes? Don't care. What if the flowers aren't the exact shade I expected them to be? Oh well.

I've learned so much over the past three-ish years that what I used to value just doesn't matter. This is not to say that I don't dream of my hopefully-one-day-wedding to be something that everyone leaves saying, "That was the most incredible wedding ceremony that I've ever attended..." but it's not for the reasons that you might think. I don't need all the glitz and the glamour. I don't want to have someone spend thousands of dollars on details that won't matter 5 minutes after they take place. What I dream about is standing across from the person who pushes me to become a better person and deepen my relationship with Christ. What I hope for is someone that I can grow in faith and in love with over the course of the rest of my life. I know that I do not need a husband to feel completed in this lifetime, but I also know that God's design for a man and a woman is to join together as one with the ultimate focus to be on Him. When people leave OUR wedding, (OUR=God+bride+groom) I want them to have NO doubt as to what is really and truly important in OUR lives.

This is not to say that I'm on a man hunt to find the perfect Godly man to marry. I have come to learn that the reason why I am still single is that God had more work to do in my life and in my heart so that I could live out His design to the fullest extent. Sure, I could have gotten married ten years ago when I got out of college....but I can pretty much guarantee that that marriage would not be in existence any longer and there would be a lot of hurt and pain associated with the relationship. The person that I was dating and I are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum now when it comes to EVERYTHING. I thank God that we did not get married. At the time, I felt like my world was ending when we broke up, but now I know that is was the best possible thing that could have happened. I have since learned the beauty that God intended marriage to be and He knows that I want nothing short of His absolute best...which, of course, is also what He wants for me.

So, for the first time in my life, I can say that I am content in being single. I have been and will continue to learn more and more about God and myself through my continued walk with Christ. I know that whatever is in store for me and my future is better than I could ever imagine and while I'm waiting, I'm not going to sit around and do just that. I'm going to live. I'm going to worship. I'm going to thrive in the gift of this life that I have been given and I'm going to try and enjoy every minute.

Someone once told me that God has three answers to our prayers....yes, not yet, and I have something better in mind. I'm more grateful that I can express in words that God's answer to a lot of my prayers has been the later two.

Eye Twitching and Arrogance

So I ran across this book when purchasing another one online and it came in the mail the other day. It's called, "Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God" by Francis Chan. I never heard of it, but the cover looked cool. (Dumb, I know...)

I started reading it last week and it's absolutely blowing my brain out of my head, convicting my heart and making me realize there is so much more that I need tremendous work on in my life. It's pretty incredible how God will flash something or someone in front of you to teach you something that you need to know. (I just wonder how many times I've missed those opportunities in the past?)

So far, the thing that has stuck out for me while reading the chapter titled, "You Might Not Finish this Chapter," (yeah....the author does not apologize for stepping on toes AT ALL...which is exactly what I need...) was about worry and stress. Now, this being the end of the school year, (there are 18 days left and I AM counting) I have been feeling somewhat stressed out by the behaviors of some of my students....to the point where my left eyelid has started twitching. A lot. All day long. So reading this chapter that I was warned I may not finish has had perfect timing for me. Chan basically says, "...these...behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and trust reek of arrogance...I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all."

SHAZAMM! There it is. It's just not about me. I don't go around proclaiming that everything that is ever going on has to have me in the center of it, but I do know that I have my hand in a lot of pots that I shouldn't be worrying about. The kid(s) that make my eye twitch? Maybe there is something going on at home that I don't know about and couldn't possibly imagine going through as a twelve year old. (I do believe that some of them just get immeasurable joy out of getting on my nerves...)

A friend of mine has been a great example of not letting stress and worry overrun your life. Instead of going into panic mode about a job situation, he is just not concerned about it. He knows that God is in control. He knows that he's covered. And I really believe because of that quiet witness of faith in an all-powerful God, my friend is going to be more than okay. God is at work and big things are happening. If he was worried and stressing about it, there is a possibility that he might miss what God wants to entrust to him next. How cool is it that while reading this chapter, God has placed a living example right in front of my face to live out the lesson I need to learn. Worry less. Stress less. Stop the arrogance and the eye twitching and trust---ALWAYS.

Beauty in our flaws...

A friend of mine bought me a beautiful Jim Shore teacher ornament for Christmas. It has been on my desk as a daily reminder that even in beauty, there are flaws.

Not to be a grammar snob, but you would think that if a company was making an ornament that is going to be either purchased for or by a teacher, they would make sure that everything was grammatically correct. Apparently not. Since the picture that my cell phone took is not the clearest of all photos, I will tell you what is painted on the chalkboard. "Education is the road to Success" Not to disagree with this statement, but come on. No punctuation? Inappropriate capitalization? You may also notice that the teacher's head is laying at her feet. I can guarantee that she did not come into my possession that way.

Some of my more intuitive students see her tragic flaw and ask what has happened. I usually give them some sort of response of how it is apropos to how they treat the teachers on a daily basis. My students may not knock my head off of my shoulders, but there is certainly a difference in the way that teachers are viewed from when I was in middle school.

There were the teachers who everyone hated. There were the teachers that were made fun of for their out-of-style dress, hair, etc. There were the teachers that everyone loved because they tricked you into learning without even knowing it. There were the teachers who never let you talk because they were the only ones who had something worthwhile to say. And then there were the teachers who taught you how to have your OWN voice in a world where not many feel that you have something worthwhile to say.

While I do not know which teacher my students see me as, I can tell you that I wouldn't mind if they hated me. Looking back, the teachers that I hated were the ones who pushed us harder than we wanted to be pushed and expected us to put forth our very best efforts on a daily basis. I stress to my students that I am not only their 6th grade English teacher, but I also feel it necessary to teach them skills to be a successful and fully-functioning adult in society. Some students (and their parents) may argue that 6th grade is too young to be able to learn those types of skills, but I disagree whole-heartedly. NOW is the time for them to build a firm foundation of good work habits. NOW is the time for them to learn how to follow directions. NOW is the time for them to learn that the sky is the limit and the only thing holding them back from greatness is themselves.

Steel Thoughts

When I promised a friend that my next post's title would be "Steel Thoughts," I really had no idea what it was going to be about. In doing some "research" in regards to the meaning of the word steel, I immediately knew what direction I was going to take with this latest and greatest blog. (Okay, so it probably isn't going to be the greatest, but stay with me...)

Steel: as found at www.dictionary.com
–noun

1.

any of various modified forms of iron, artificially produced, having a carbon content less than that of pig iron and more than that of wrought iron, and having qualities of hardness, elasticity, and strength varying according to composition and heat treatment: generally categorized as having a high, medium, or low-carbon content.

–verb (used with object)

12.	to render insensible, inflexible, unyielding, determined, etc.: He steeled himself to perform the dangerous task.

Being the Pittsburgh girl that I am, the "Steel City" is still near and dear to my heart. Those qualities listed in the definitions above, especially those in blue text, are certainly ones that I would associate myself with. Whenever I get an idea in my head, I'm pretty determined to see it to fruition. I do believe that I am strong, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. I think that in order to be a successful teacher, there has got to be elements of elasticity involved on a daily basis. Not only do I have to be flexible and able to adapt a lesson in a moment's notice, but I also have to have a certain resilience...otherwise the kids would walk all over me.

In recent months, I have learned that while my determination for certain desires of my heart to be met has not wavered; I cannot be unyielding with God. He knows those desires, and in fact, I completely believe that He put them there in the first place. For whatever reason, these things are taking longer than I would have hoped. I know (with some reminding from time to time) that if I rely on the strength that I have in Jesus, He will meet every need, fill every gap, and ease every pain that I encounter while I develop my faith in Him to be as strong as steel.

4:11 is a Learned Behavior...

So...I'm officially blogging now. I have never really been one to journal or keep a diary, but lately I feel like I've been having a lot of A-HA moments or to be more accurate, slap-you-in-the-face kind of moments that I should somehow be preserving for posterity, or at least to reflect on later when I can't seem to remember the lesson that I learned and how to move forward. These moments have taken place in a variety of ways; through the reading of a book, conversations with both old friends and new acquaintances, singing in my car, and believe it or not, while being dragged through the park by my dear, sweet dog.
Something that I have been learning a lot about lately is contentment. Just today, we were talking about how contentment is not something that comes naturally...it is a learned behavior. To steal from the Crown Financial Study Guide, "Paul learned to be content. He was not born with this instinct, and neither are we; we must deliberately develop it. Knowing what God requires... + Doing those requirements + Trusting God to provide exactly what He knows is best = CONTENTMENT."
For my closest of friends, it comes as no surprise that I was having MAJOR struggles in the area of contentment this past fall. I was down-right miserable with where God had me in my life's journey and I saw no time where things were ever going to start going "my way." Well...that's where I made my millionth mistake. MY. WAY. You would think that I would have learned my lesson that doing things MY WAY in the past didn't work out so well, but...I'm rather hard-headed. I am still working on the lesson that God is in control of everything and that sometimes when we are holding on too tightly to something that we want to control, we could miss out on blessings that He has for us. I know that it is only by the fact that I threw my hands up in the air three years ago and pretty much challenged God (I bet I really made him laugh then) to say, "Okay....clearly this job search isn't working for me...do You think You can do it better? Go right ahead..." I had to completely let go of my ideas of where I was to end up teaching and when I did that, He led me directly to Culpeper and that has been the most pivotal move in my life regarding my spiritual journey and Christ.
My discontentment in the fall had a lot to do with feeling alone. As mentioned above, God uses all sorts of ways to speak to me and slap me in the face (see also- hard-headed) and the lesson He taught me about "loneliness" came from a few different books that dealt with relationships. In one of the books, it discussed how Easter is a time of new beginnings, fresh starts, hope, and above all, the grace that only God can provide. I have been convicted in the past few weeks that sometimes we "pretty-up" the Passion because it's just too hard to us to look at the suffering that we caused Christ to endure on our behalf. That wasn't the point at all though...Jesus suffered the most horrific death because of love. I know (LORD, do I know) that it can be really easy to go into self-preservation mode and talk yourself into the whole "I'm alone. No one understands me, what I'm going through or how I feel. If anyone tries to tell me that they understand how I'm feeling, they are lying to me because NO one could possibly get this" thing. And while our situations can certainly be unique to each of us, there is one person who does get it. He lived it, on the cross for you and for me. He was completely and utterly alone, suffering just so that we could be saved. I have to remind myself quite often that there are a lot of people who do love me on this earth and even when I'm feeling lonely and the love of my parents, family and friends doesn't seem to be enough, there is someone who loves me in ways that I just can't begin to understand.

Since the fall, I have learned that NO ONE can make me feel complete, except God.
Since the fall, I have learned that I am not stuck, I am blessed.
Since the fall, I have learned that God knows what He is doing, even when I do not.
Since the fall, I have learned that I am not supposed to be waiting, I'm supposed to be living.

So what does the title of my blog mean? Philippians 4:11 says, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." (emphasis added)

More to come....my 2st blog will be titled: "Steel Thoughts." ;)