Take My Breath Away and Give Me Supernatural CPR!

"Okay, Mom...I have to go finish the reading for my Bible study..."
"Oh, okay. The Bad Girls of the Bible?"
"No. The Beth Moore one."
"Right. The So Long Insecurity one?"
"No. The Believing God one."
"Lindsay, how many studies are you in?"
"Ummm, three."

I know, I know...it even sounds crazy to me. I'm leading the "So Long Insecurity" one and have been going to another church for the "Believing God" one for about six weeks. The "Bad Girls" one just started last week.
So, why so many studies? Well, let me tell you. I never really opened a Bible to read it, to study it until the tail end of my twenties. I had one, I think, on a shelf in my room, but it wasn't something that we took along to church, wasn't something that I referenced for myself if I wanted to know more after any given Sunday...it just wasn't part of the culture that I was raised in. We would hear readings from the Bible, both Old and New Testament, but we weren't encouraged to do any reading or studying on our own.
When I moved to Culpeper nearly 5 years ago, God rocked my world in a HUGE way by planting people in my path to lead me through the doors of Mountain View Community Church. It just so happened that they were meeting at Emerald Hill Elementary School that week because the stage was being waxed at Culpeper County High School. The pastor came out in full fishing gear and I honestly cannot tell you one word about his sermon, other than the fact that the had a kayak on the stage and was talking about fishing. It was weird. (At least to me in my limited experience with a church that did not have readings, communion or hymnals.) After a month (or longer, I don't really remember) I went back. This time, they were in their "normal" worship space. Something about this experience made me feel like I had come home. My friend introduced me to the family that was leading the Singles' Bible study and they invited me to come to their house that week. So I jumped in and have never looked back.
Fast forward 4+ years and you will still find me involved with the Singles' group and feeling a calling for involvement in women's ministry. I feel like I lost so many years of studying the Bible that I am trying to play catch-up...but I know that it's not a race or a game where God is concerned. He loves me just as I am and will meet me wherever I am, He just won't let me stay there very long. I also know that because I am becoming more involved in Kingdom work, Satan is on the prowl. He just loves to tell me lies. He can't read my mind, but he does know what has caused me to stumble and doubt in the past. How do I protect myself from these attacks? The more of God's word that I am able to believe, the more of it I am able to speak. If I am inhaling the word of God, I can also exhale His word by sharing with others and renouncing Satan. The more time I am spending reading His word, the more His word is alive and active in me! (That one is not my own...I stole it from Beth Moore.)
I have recently been struggling with something that just leaves me feeling broken, defeated, and alone. It's been there for quite a while, so I know without a shadow of a doubt that Satan has been dumpster diving through my trash to use it against me. (again, that one is Beth's) Until today. I realized TODAY that I have been fed lies by that evil, slimy, repulsive serpent. He has been using my very own prayers against me. He knows how to sucker punch! He knows how to get me in the gut and try to knock me out for the count. Guess what? AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! My God told me otherwise! I am loved, blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven. How do I know? Ephesians 1:3-8 says so!
God has also told me, "You are not alone, dear one! I am here. I am your rock. I am your comfort. I am your strength. I am your Prince. I am all you need. Find rest in Me." I know that because He spoke it into my heart while I was spending time with Him in His word.
I'm still not sure that I answered the question of why so many studies. God can speak through one just fine...but for this season, I need His word like I need air. I feel like I need to inhale as much as I can get. (Good thing, because the Bible is God-breathed. Don't believe me? See 2 Timothy 3:16.) :)

More than a Moment

Can I be real with you? I think I can. I mean, if you are taking the time out of your hectic schedule to read my thoughts, I think that we must have some kind of connection for you to be here. So...if I may, I'm going to go there.
It comes as no secret that I do not intend to stay single all of my life. In fact, I have been running this leg of the race a lot longer than I ever anticipated. I thought for sure that by this time in my life, I would be happily settled down in a nice house, with a nice man, and a nice set of children. Well....I live in a nice garage apartment, where a nice man will come and fix my stuff if it gets broken or I have an outbreak of ants running a muck (thanks, Jeff) and I have a wonderful and sweet dog-ter, Daisy. Not exactly the same, right?
Today, no matter where you look, you are reminded that it is, in fact, Mother's Day. Commercials, news reporters, church, the feed on Facebook, Betty White on SNL (which was horrid, by the way) and yes, even the hibachi chef at Osaka was wishing everyone a Happy Mother's Day today.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother, my grandmothers and the great-grandmother that I was so blessed to know for over twenty-five years of my life. I don't want to even begin to imagine my life without their incredible impact and the lessons that they have taught me. For a few brief moments today, I found myself throwing a mini-pity party saying, "When will I get to be celebrating this day and have little ones making me things and loving on me and......."
Those brief moments of sadness and longing were brought to an abrupt halt because I think that it is by no coincidence that I am currently smack-dab in the middle of Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend to Us. Those pity-parties were nothing but my biggest enemy speaking lies of loneliness, bitterness, untruths and insecurity into my heart and my head.
I have come to accept my season of singleness. I actually embrace the fact that I did NOT get married young because that would have most certainly brought pain and hurt that I would never wish on anyone. I know that I am in the place that I am for a reason. (I almost said "still" in there, but I know that I am not in the same place that I was 10 years ago as I was graduating college, 5 years ago as I was preparing to make a life-altering move to Virginia and I am even not in the same place that I was a few months ago, praise the Lord!) I have been growing deeper in relationship with the Lord over the past few years and I honestly believe that God is preparing me for something HUGE....while I don't know what that is, I know that I don't want to rush Him because my reference of time and His are a whole lot different. :)
So even as I had a few moments today of being sad that I haven't been able to give my parents grandchildren yet, that I haven't yet found the man that God has intended for me to marry (or maybe I have and God is still working on both of us) or that I felt like I was missing out on some critical part of being a woman, I know that I know that I know, God has it all worked out. I am not going to sit around wishin' and a-hopin'....I'm going to be believing and receiving.
God, there are many parts of my past that have molded me into the woman that I am. You knew about each and every single one of those people, events and things have have brought me here today long before they happened. Instead of allowing those things that have brought out a sense of insecurity in my life to take hold and bring me down, Lord, I ask that you free me from the bondage of my past. You make all things new. You have set me free. Take my hand, Lord, and guide me down the path of freedom and security in You and You alone. Do not allow me to look for acceptance from others. You love me, You accept me, You created me to be exactly who I am. I believe in You. I trust in You. In you, I am secure. Let these reminders not last for just a moment or a chapter in a book, but for a lifetime of being secure in You.

Distraction in the Beauty

beautiful, ornate, detailed
my eyes---hummingbirds
lookinghereandthereflittingthiswayandthat
look around
look over there
look over here
look up
look down
Attention to detail, large reminders, lives that have passed---this beauty is a distraction.
Stop.
Sit.
Look.
Who is the focus?
Where does your attention fall?
Years of planning, building, painting---these details are a distraction.
Stop.
Sit.
Look.
wood carvings
marble statues
mosaic tile
stained glass windows
painted ceilings

Where is God in all of this?

Frienemies need not apply!

Years ago, if I would have heard someone say that they were under the attack of the enemy, I would have probably thought that they were crazy and were one of "those" Jesus freaks. I am very glad to say that I am now one of those "freaks" myself.

I have learned so much about God and his amazing love for me ever since moving to Culpeper. It is without a shadow of a doubt that he closed doors in PA in order to nudge me in the direction where I have taken up current residence. It is the strangest thing for me to explain. I know how long it takes me to drive back to PA to visit family and friends. I see the 250-ish miles on a map, yet it doesn't feel like it is that far away....except when I haven't been there for a long time. I keep in close contact with my parents and I think that that lifeline is part of why it doesn't seem so far.

Anyway, back to me being a freak. :) (Some of my friends would agree with that 100%, but not for the reasons I have in mind.) God is up to something big in my life and while I have no idea what it is, (and quite frankly would love to be able to look into some magic mirror to see exactly what it He is up to so I can understand why I'm going through the trials that I am) I very certain it IS big because of the attacks I have been feeling from the enemy. When God is moving and doing things through us, we are drawn closer to Him and that is when the enemy will do anything and everything he possibly can to derail us, to trip us up, to take our focus off of our Creator for just ONE SECOND so that we loose that intent focus of glorifying God and doing work to advance His Kingdom.

I know that I haven't handled everything that I've been faced with in the best ways and most glorifying to God. In fact, I think I owe some people apologies for how I acted towards them in the past months. But lately, God has been showing me a lot and I've been hearing from Him more than I think I ever have in my entire life. While driving to work in the morning, I will have these thoughts travel through my brain that could ONLY be coming from Him...and they are glorious. Little golden nuggets or "Kisses from the King" as I learned in a Bible study over the summer. He loves me! He loves each and everyone one of us and He wants to be in direct communication with each of us. He yearns to be in a relationship with us. For years, I had no idea what that meant, or what it looked like. While I don't think am I anywhere close to understand the vastness of what that means, I am hearing Him. I am being drawn close and in those moments, those quiet, peaceful, most holy times, I feel complete. I feel at peace. I feel at home....and then something distracts me. Hmmmm....wonder who that could be? Who could possibly want to interrupt those holy moments between me and God? Who would want to keep me from basking in the glory and love of my maker?

Yep. You've got it. My biggest enemy is one who feeds me lies. Tells me things like I'm never going to be good enough. No one would want to love me the way that I deserve to be loved. I have made bad choices in my life and they cannot be forgiven, so I will suffer for those mistakes for the rest of my life. I am going through these trails and things that are stressing me out and causing my life to be chaotic because I deserve to be treated badly and dumped on. Have you heard these same lies whispered in your ear? Especially when no one is around?

What I can tell you is this: Every single thing listed in the above paragraph is A LIE. In my heart of hearts, I know that. But you know, when you are down and feeling defeated, it's a little harder to get back up....and that is exactly where the enemy wants you to be. He might even feed you more lies of things to do to make you feel better....things, of course that are not of God and things that are not pleasing to Him. Things that will continue to put a wedge between you and God and pull you away from His plan.

Just recently, I realized that this was exactly what was going on in my own life. When I was having a great day, a great night of closeness with God....I came home to an attack. Sure, it was through another person, but I recognized the root of that attack the next day. Satan was trying to use people in my life to draw me away from the closeness I was feeling to God. Thankfully, a Godly friend and sister in Christ was able to help me realize exactly what was going on. I spent 20 some hours miserable, mad, frustrated, etc. until it became clear to me that the enemy was trying to distract me from something great that I was involved in over the weekend. So...I quickly said, "Nope...not going to happen." IMMEDIATELY, I felt as if a ton of bricks had been removed from my back. As soon as I recognized what was going on and renounced the enemy's claim on my happiness and work for the Lord, he left me alone.

The most important thing to know is that he is always lurking around, looking for an "in." All he needs is a crack....he's a weasel, snake, whatever kind of sneaky creature you want to use, and he will do anything he can to come in and wreak your moments of joy in the Lord. He will even pose as a friend, someone who will be with you in your time of need, someone who will console you and comfort you.....away from God.

FYI---I don't need any "frienemies." You aren't welcome here.

Who do budget cuts really harm?

When I came home from kindergarten, I would line up all of my Care Bears, Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, and my younger brother on the couch for a recreated lesson of what we learned in school that day. I had a little chalkboard that I would prop up against the wall to practice our printing and math problems. I would ask my teacher for “extras” of the papers we did in class so that I could use them for my classroom at home. I always cared about my students, taught them to the best of my ability and no one ever failed. (My brother might have been sent to the principal’s office for misbehaving every once in a while, though.)

Over twenty-five years later, I am still teaching. There is something to be said to living your life’s dream and making those dreams a reality. What I didn’t expect though, is what is happening in education right now.

I know we are facing tough times and nearly every business is suffering because of the economic state that our country is in. We’ve all seen the headlines and read the newspapers that there just isn’t enough money to fund everything that needs funding. My question is this: How are we serving the future and equipping the children of tomorrow to better themselves? Increased class sizes, less para-educators and support staff may sound like the “best-case” scenario, but that will take the attention of the classroom teacher further away from the struggling students who most need their support and guidance in these utmost important and formative years.

As a teacher, I am still going to teach regardless of if I have 15 or 35 students in my classroom. I am still going to teach regardless if I have the needed para-educators in my collaborative special education class. I am still going to teach regardless of if I get a raise. I am still going to teach if my insurance costs go up. I am still going to teach.

But are my students still going to learn everything that they need to be successful? Are my students getting the best education possible? Are my students being prepared to be the most effective and efficient adults that they can be? Are my students still challenged to make a difference? Are my students being pushed towards excellence? Are my students being taught at home AND at school that they hold the key to their future? Are my students benefiting from budget cuts?

Bring It!

So, in my last blog I stated that I knew that there were a lot of surprising things on the horizon for me in 2010. January started out with a bang as I traveled to Paris with a group of great friends and honestly did not want to return. I felt like there was more to do, more to see, and more to learn while I was there. I have been entertaining the idea of perhaps one day traveling overseas to study...maybe for a summer, maybe longer. Paris loves dogs, so Daisy could certainly learn to oui oui in Paree.

February 1st held experiences that no one ever wants to have to go through. I attended the memorial service for a good friend's mother who lost a long and grueling battle against cancer, but won the ultimate war as she is certainly walking the golden streets of Heaven right this very second. While I never met this amazing and beautiful woman, I felt as if I had after listening to many people share about how she changed their lives (and countless others) for the good by loving them, sharing the love of her Father with them and always giving selflessly to those around her. Leaving that service, I was saddened that my friend and his family would no longer get to see their mom, have her around for not only the major life moments, but also the smaller, and sometimes more important, everyday stuff. But I also had an incredible feeling of hope. Hope that those lives that she touched, and continue to impact even in her death, will continue her legacy. I told my friend that his mother is certainly someone that we could all strive to live our lives like and I hope that I can try to do just that.

Monday afternoon while I was sitting around, waiting for the time to get ready to go to the church, I had an overwhelmingly powerful voice tell me that big changes were coming. Now, I have to be honest in saying that I do not have these moments. Ever. It was kinda freaky. But, I definitely acknowledged those words and tucked them into the back of my head and the center of my heart.

Wouldn't ya know that shortly after, some of those changes have started to take place? In the hours and days since the memorial service, I have had a number of very intense conversations with others who hold an important place in my life and in my heart. Some were hard to have, some incredibly uplifting, and others bringing me a peace that transcends all understanding.

I think there is a real possibility that I could have spent this week in an entirely different place, mentally and emotionally speaking, if that voice hadn't grabbed me on Monday. I could have dismissed it, ignored it, thought I was crazy from all of this snow, etc. etc. etc. But, I did hear it. I tucked that message away and even though I forgot about it for about 12 hours, it came back to me, loud and clear. And some of the people who helped me to retrieve that message are incredible women of God who encourage me, life me up, and kick me in the butt (sometimes all at the same time...now that is talent) to remember that God has an incredible plan for me. I know that. I believe it, but sometimes shadows and clouds tend to block out those rays of Truth for me.

There are a lot of things that go on and have happened in my life or to people that I care about that I just don't understand. Why do Godly people die too young? Why does my dog chew on shoes? Why are people that I went to high school with married, with kids, and some even divorced? Why do people think that mushrooms taste good? Why do small children get cancer? Why do people lie? I know that a lot of these questions may never be answered for me. What I do know that when God speaks, or maybe even answers me in a way that I might not understand at the exact moment I hear it, I want to be able to hear, receive and apply what He has said. So...he says that big changes are in coming. I say...bring it.

2009 and more: A Retrospect

2009 for me, started out in a very dark, lonely, horrible place. Like most things in my life, it wasn't just one thing that took me there. Quite a lot of junk had piled higher and higher and higher (over years, I later discovered) until I couldn't dig my way out on my own. Thank God I realized that I could not help myself, so I sought the help of an outside source. She was impartial, she loves the Lord and was kind to me when I needed it and kicked my butt towards making changes in my thinking and actions when I was ready to follow through.
It's hard to understand how we (I) get to these places of pain and suffering. I really struggled with that for a long time because I have a great family and they raised me in a loving and caring environment. I was never abused, neglected, never went without shelter, clothes or food. How could a foundation of such stability and strength seemingly crumble?
I believe that decisions that I made 15-20 years ago started to hammer away at that foundation. I didn't know it then, but I was destroying myself from the inside out. Like so many people, I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I know now so that I would not make the same mistakes that I made. At the time, they did not seem to be mistakes, but rather, a part of growing up, a part of living and turning into an adult. But I was so wrong. Giving little pieces of me away wasn't how I saw it. I was on a journey to find love. I was known as a huge flirt. I didn't take things to the extreme because I was naive, but for some reason I thought that flirting would get me somewhere and someone. When I didn't live up to a guy's expectations, they'd dropped me. Fast. I know that I hung around the wrong kind of boys and put myself into situations that were extremely stupid. I am so lucky that nothing awful happened, because I really did set myself up for disaster.
The other thing that was difficult to over come was dealing with the emotional pain of being hurt time and time again in relationships. I think that has made it very hard for me to really trust people because now I expect to be hurt by everyone eventually. And I don't think that this is a problem for just me. I know a lot of friends who have been hurt by people who are supposed to love them and it has caused a lot of pain and trust issues for them as well.
Sometimes I think we envision our pain on a scale to weigh it against someone else's pain. "My pain couldn't possibly be the same as yours." As if our own personal suffering couldn't possibly match up to someone else's. When you stop, step back and think about it, how ridiculously pompous is that? How dare I say that no one else knows the kind of hurt I have felt?
This is all to say that I feel like I've learned a lot about myself this past year. While the things that would make me upset and sad still make me upset and sad, I feel like I have a better approach at dealing with those feelings instead of allowing myself to fall back into that darkness.
I still have things that I just don't really talk about with very many people...and I think that is okay. Some of my friends don't want to hear about all of the crap that goes on inside my head. (I don't want to hear all of the crap that goes on inside of my head.) And...since I kinda know what sets me off, I try to avoid those things as much as I can. (Some can't be avoided, so I put on my happy face and do all I can to enjoy them as much as possible.)
Looking back, 2009 has been a year that I wanted to end faster than it did in some places, but the good far outweighs the bad. I have built a lot of great friendships, done things that have surprised me, and I know that there are a lot of promising things on the horizon.

January: I made a call to say "I need help"
February: I found that live music helped to bring joy and friends into my life
March: and that writing helped me to dig out from the pile of crap and figure out what happened in the past that I never even realized.
April: Alyssa Elizabeth came into the world 5 weeks early but just in time for me to meet her.
May: 42 of my students were chosen to be published in a poetry anthology.
June: I had an 85% pass rate (or something like that) on my SOLs.
July: Helped to create the ultimate rainbow celebration for a good friend with other good friends
August: Wedding #1 and 2
September: Wedding #3
October: Wedding #4
November: Thankful that there were no more weddings, at least for a few months
December: A disciplinary phone call home to a parent turned into a call to help make a child's Christmas

2010 is sure to start off a lot better than 2009.
January: Go to Paris for a long weekend
February: ?
March: Go to London for a week
April: Celebrate Alyssa's 1st birthday
May: ?
June: ?
July: ?
August: ?
September: ?
October: ?
November: ?
December: ?

In closing, I wish you a very Happy New Year. And just as I am going to try to do, I hope that you are able to better yourself spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially in 2010.