GET OUT

Get out
Get out
you're not welcome here
you've been kicked to the curb before

I don't
want you
comin' 'round no more
why do you think you can keep comin' back?

you make
me feel
like a piece of trash
full of anger & hate, pain & distress

but that's
not true
and I'll keep rebuking you 'till the day that I die
WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

alone
alone
you make me
feel all alone

you're lies
trick me
and I won't take anymore
just get the hell out of my head

for He guards
my mind
and resides in my heart
with Him I know I am safe

so take
yourself
and find somewhere else to cause pain
because you aren't allowed to come here anymore

Desperately Dumb

While I may not live on Wisteria Lane, I felt as if Bree and some of her other gal pals were sunning themselves at my development's pool yesterday. I am trying to get some even color without strap lines for my friend's wedding that I am in on August 1st and while I was reading/sleeping/sunning myself, I couldn't help but overhear Bree and her diva friend talking about their incredibly difficult lives.
Yes, to be bikini-clad after popping out at least 2 children each is treacherous. And to be lounging poolside at 3pm on a Tuesday...horrifying!!! They were discussing housework (I would place money that they have someone come in and clean for them) and their marriages. What struck me as the most bizarre statement from their perfectly puckered lips was that (gasp!) she and her husband WERE ACTUALLY FRIENDS and enjoyed DOING THINGS TOGETHER! They would go for walks, enjoyed going out to eat with one another and even admitted to having fun playing games with the whole family. EEK!
Now, I don't know about you, (and maybe I live in a delusional world in which I pray to, in fact, marry my best friend) but, ummmm....aren't you kinda sorta supposed to at least tolerate the person whom you marry? I mean, yeah, I'm sure that you aren't both going to love, love, love every single thing that the other does, but shouldn't there be at least some common ground? And, forgive me if I'm being bold, but even if you don't exactly like something that your significant other does, don't you, on occasion, go along for the ride just to be together and enjoy with them what they enjoy?
Now I know it would truly be a miracle from God for me to find a man who: 1) loves the Steelers as much as I do, 2) enjoys music 3) likes the outdoors 4) wants to serve in the church in some capacity 5) is stable emotionally, spiritually, and financially 6) is taller than I am 7) wants to have kids, someday 8) comes from a somewhat stable background 9) will allow me to spoil him with my cooking and 10) will cherish me and love me to the end of time. In all seriousness, there are only a few on that list that I won't budge on...I mean really, if he doesn't like the Steelers, I see no future. (JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!)
I guess it just kinda blows my mind when people marry for all the wrong reasons. I just that I can tend to have some small amounts of jealousy seeping out when I hear women talk about how their husbands don't ever do anything to help them...I'm going to guess that that man is, at the very least, working 40+ hours a week to provide for their family and allowing them to be poolside on a Tuesday at 3pm. Isn't that kinda helping? Yes, I know that I've heard my own mother beg my dad to help her out (Love you, Mom!) around the house and for the most part, he kinda does...at his own pace...which usually isn't the pace that she would prefer. I'm sure that when my time comes, I will learn about the intricate balance of wedded bliss, but until then it is sometimes hard to bite my tongue when people are complaining about their spouses.
I'm also pretty sure that this blog will come back and bite me in the butt in twenty or thirty years, but I just have to set the record straight: Ladies...there are women out there who would love to have someone to walk, talk and play games with...even if he might be grouchy after work, may not pick up his dirty clothes off of the floor and he never puts the toilet seat down.

my reality

You give
we take
You love
we break

broken from this world
living as a foolish girl

You save
i'm caught
You bled
i thought

thought of just myself
ignoring the book upon my shelf

You draw
we come
You call
we run

running to Your arms
finally i feel i can't be harmed

You give
i praise
You love
i raise

raise my hands to thank You, Lord
for all You've done and for Your word

Fireworks and Bandaids Part 2...

After I posted my last blog, I was thinking a lot about what else I should have said. That fairytale, made-for-Lifetime-movie (or Jerry Springer for those of you who know the whole story) was not meant to be for various reasons.
First and foremost, as I mentioned before, we are now completely different people. I know that if we would have gotten married like I had hoped, it would have ended in a divorce at some point which would have caused a lot of pain and hurt for a lot of people. There is no doubt in my mind about that.
More importantly though is the fact that there was never any mention of God in the plans of our future. We were both raised in different types of Christianity and while I went to church every Sunday with my family, I did not have a true relationship with Christ until after moving to Virginia. It was rare that he ever went to church, even on holidays because he could make double-overtime at his job.
As I spent time revisiting my past, it was easy for me to point out the stuff that wasn't great about our relationship. There were things that I wanted and needed from him that he could not fulfill because I don't think either of us really understood what it meant to truly be in love. In completing a study on the Song of Solomon last summer, I finally learned what true love looked like. The ultimate sacrifice of self to the person whom you are married is something that I know I want. I will not settle into a relationship with someone who I cannot feel that selflessness for and I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't do that for me either.
Beginning to date Michael was like the fairytale that every girl dreams of having. It was like someone was standing off to the side saying, "Que the fireworks..." Our story was one that I loved to tell to people because it was just that "perfect." It is because of that I think that Disney messes with little girls heads because no matter how many bad guys/evil queens/witches/dragons/whatever, there is always a knight in shining armor that comes and swoops the princess out of harms way, falls madly in love with her and the story ends, you got it, happily ever after. I know that there is a happy ending to be had, but the only prince involved is the Prince of Peace.


***I feel like I need to add a disclaimer that if for some reason, Michael would stumble upon this blog I do not in any way intend to make him look bad. While we were dating, I think we were both pretty happy and in a state of blissful ignorance. He was my first love and I wish him nothing but the best.

Fireworks and Bandaids

Before I went to bed in the first hours of the day of our country's independence, I realized that it was 13 years ago this evening that was a dream-come-true kind of night for an 18 year old. My best friend and I had been spending every waking minute together since we graduated from high school and I was starting to feel our friendship changing into something much more.
We were going to the drive-in movie theater in North Versailles so much that I think at one point we had seen ever single movie that was playing on their 6 screens. It was the 4th of July so we were planning on seeing a movie and watching fireworks. The movie playing that night was "The Rock," starring Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage and I can honestly say that I didn't see more than a few minutes of the movie. We were sitting in the back of my mom's Ford Escort hatchback and I can remember feeling my heart beat really, really fast because my feelings of friendship were really changing towards Michael. For some reason or another, we started playing truth or dare and it started out goofy, but then I think that he asked me what my biggest wish was. I told him that I couldn't tell him and or course that led to a "how can you not tell me, I'm your best friend..." kind of thing. Stupidly, I said that if I told him and it wasn't something that he wanted to hear, he had to promise that it wouldn't change our friendship. I finally told him that I was starting to feel that our friendship was changing and that I was falling in love with him. I couldn't see myself with anyone but him and I hoped that he would feel the same way too. It really was like a scene from a chick flick...I mean, come on. (What girl doesn't want to fall in love with her best friend?) His eyes lit up and told me that he hoped that that was what I was going to say because he was too afraid to say it. He dared me to kiss him, and then there were fireworks...both literally and figuratively.
Our relationship was like a PG-13 version of When Harry Met Sally. I couldn't believe that everything that was happening was really happening to me and I was really happy. Going away to college was really hard because it was going to put an end to our being together every day, but it was necessary in order for us to move forward with our lives.
We dated off and on all through college and did the whole "Ross and Rachel---we are on a break" thing, and ending our relationship was very difficult. Mostly because Michael and Lindsay were nearly as iconic as they were. From the first day of first grade, the marriage comments began. "Ha, ha...if you get married, you'd be Lindsay Lindsay." (Yep, that's right.) We didn't even talk until we got to high school because I was scarred from all of the teasing. But, it seemed to me that in order for the whole fairytale love story to come about, we were involved in all of the same after school clubs---marching band, drama, stage choir...things that involved spending a lot of time with the same people numerous nights in a row. It was like we were destined to be together...at least that's the way that it seemed at the time.
Obviously, our relationship did not go anywhere and for that I am very grateful. Our lifestyles are VERY, VERY, as in polar opposite, different 13 years after that night where I thought all of my dreams came true.
Today, I still believe in fairy tales. I still want to fall in love with my best friend. What I knew about love, romance, and relationships back then has completely changed. I have learned so much from the mistakes I've made and I know that I know that I know that I was NOT supposed to be Lindsay Lindsay. I've struggled for a long time, sometimes subconsciously I think, because that "perfect romantic tale" didn't work out. Like putting on a band aid to cover up the hurt and then taking it off to look and see how things are healing, revisiting those memories is sometimes painful. Other times (like today) the pain is there at first, but then you realize that you've learned from the hurt and you will never make the same decisions again.
I haven't revisited these memories for a long, long time. Probably because I wasn't ready to face them again until now. God is doing amazing things in my life and has been teaching me a lot through verious people, studies and experiences that I've been having that He is the ultimate Prince Charming. While I don't have an earthly "someone to watch over me," I have a heavenly bridegroom that loves me more than I can comprehend.