2009 and more: A Retrospect

2009 for me, started out in a very dark, lonely, horrible place. Like most things in my life, it wasn't just one thing that took me there. Quite a lot of junk had piled higher and higher and higher (over years, I later discovered) until I couldn't dig my way out on my own. Thank God I realized that I could not help myself, so I sought the help of an outside source. She was impartial, she loves the Lord and was kind to me when I needed it and kicked my butt towards making changes in my thinking and actions when I was ready to follow through.
It's hard to understand how we (I) get to these places of pain and suffering. I really struggled with that for a long time because I have a great family and they raised me in a loving and caring environment. I was never abused, neglected, never went without shelter, clothes or food. How could a foundation of such stability and strength seemingly crumble?
I believe that decisions that I made 15-20 years ago started to hammer away at that foundation. I didn't know it then, but I was destroying myself from the inside out. Like so many people, I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I know now so that I would not make the same mistakes that I made. At the time, they did not seem to be mistakes, but rather, a part of growing up, a part of living and turning into an adult. But I was so wrong. Giving little pieces of me away wasn't how I saw it. I was on a journey to find love. I was known as a huge flirt. I didn't take things to the extreme because I was naive, but for some reason I thought that flirting would get me somewhere and someone. When I didn't live up to a guy's expectations, they'd dropped me. Fast. I know that I hung around the wrong kind of boys and put myself into situations that were extremely stupid. I am so lucky that nothing awful happened, because I really did set myself up for disaster.
The other thing that was difficult to over come was dealing with the emotional pain of being hurt time and time again in relationships. I think that has made it very hard for me to really trust people because now I expect to be hurt by everyone eventually. And I don't think that this is a problem for just me. I know a lot of friends who have been hurt by people who are supposed to love them and it has caused a lot of pain and trust issues for them as well.
Sometimes I think we envision our pain on a scale to weigh it against someone else's pain. "My pain couldn't possibly be the same as yours." As if our own personal suffering couldn't possibly match up to someone else's. When you stop, step back and think about it, how ridiculously pompous is that? How dare I say that no one else knows the kind of hurt I have felt?
This is all to say that I feel like I've learned a lot about myself this past year. While the things that would make me upset and sad still make me upset and sad, I feel like I have a better approach at dealing with those feelings instead of allowing myself to fall back into that darkness.
I still have things that I just don't really talk about with very many people...and I think that is okay. Some of my friends don't want to hear about all of the crap that goes on inside my head. (I don't want to hear all of the crap that goes on inside of my head.) And...since I kinda know what sets me off, I try to avoid those things as much as I can. (Some can't be avoided, so I put on my happy face and do all I can to enjoy them as much as possible.)
Looking back, 2009 has been a year that I wanted to end faster than it did in some places, but the good far outweighs the bad. I have built a lot of great friendships, done things that have surprised me, and I know that there are a lot of promising things on the horizon.

January: I made a call to say "I need help"
February: I found that live music helped to bring joy and friends into my life
March: and that writing helped me to dig out from the pile of crap and figure out what happened in the past that I never even realized.
April: Alyssa Elizabeth came into the world 5 weeks early but just in time for me to meet her.
May: 42 of my students were chosen to be published in a poetry anthology.
June: I had an 85% pass rate (or something like that) on my SOLs.
July: Helped to create the ultimate rainbow celebration for a good friend with other good friends
August: Wedding #1 and 2
September: Wedding #3
October: Wedding #4
November: Thankful that there were no more weddings, at least for a few months
December: A disciplinary phone call home to a parent turned into a call to help make a child's Christmas

2010 is sure to start off a lot better than 2009.
January: Go to Paris for a long weekend
February: ?
March: Go to London for a week
April: Celebrate Alyssa's 1st birthday
May: ?
June: ?
July: ?
August: ?
September: ?
October: ?
November: ?
December: ?

In closing, I wish you a very Happy New Year. And just as I am going to try to do, I hope that you are able to better yourself spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially in 2010.

Set Us Free

There are risks involved
step out from your comfort zone
get out into the unknown
and set yourself free

"just don't want to rock the boat"
"afraid of making a change"
"what if everything is wrong"
"I could never live that way"

how will you know if you don't make a move
stand up and step out and just say the words


You've changed my life
You've made me whole
Taken me places I never thought I'd go
Without You here
I would be alone
But You've set me free,
You've set me free.

You've molded me
and worked so hard
Forming my steps
and leading me on
to a place of love--
a place of peace.
Now I know of Your saving grace.

You've changed my life
You've made me whole
Taken me places I never thought I'd go
Without You here
I would be alone
But You've set me free,
You've set me free.

You haven't promised there wouldn't be pain
but with You I know that I there will always be
sunshine after the rain.
I don't understand
all the things of this world
But I know that in Heaven all diseases are cured.

I pray that you change more lives
Make more people whole
Take them to places the never thought they'd go
Without You here
They are all alone
Please set them free,
I pray you set them free.